When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
incredible
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I have a new favorite meme page
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My god she’s good.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.