Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready