going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet