If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*