Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.