8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You Might Also Like
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…