Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one