[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me