Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
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Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her