Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.