The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
One of the best
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
This will never not be funny 😭
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now