*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Stick it to the man
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.