“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
choose your gary
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH