A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Autocorrect completely socks
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
How is it still this week?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Tammy is short for Tamuel