I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.