Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer