I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Just me?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
U talkin 2 me?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.