Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right