looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When I said I liked it rough.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.