Damn he played himself
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman