Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
You Might Also Like
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Worst Native American name ever.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
when nothing goes right… go left
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Based Erika
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
a badder mouse