Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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Found my door mat
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.