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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.