God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.