I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.