So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!