JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*3.5 thank you very much.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges