Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Good news
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.