I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic