A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️