[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
You Might Also Like
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn