worst…sale…ever
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself