Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
You Might Also Like
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
is nasa ok
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.