I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
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I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.