Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You Might Also Like
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.