Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I think about this a lot
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.