“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
me when i see my girls butt
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!