Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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get you a girl who
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Well, this is awkward
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no