The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Spring cleaning checklist…
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Twitter is an abusement park.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.