“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit