Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
You Might Also Like
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.