Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
That eye roll….
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
dream blunt rotation
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I’m giving up for Lent.