San Francisco has too many rules
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend