With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
You Might Also Like
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.