A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
🤔😂😂
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Strange
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it