I’M CRYINGGG
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.