“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Something Saturday.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what