I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]