Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”