Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
You Might Also Like
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer